Attention, readers of all ages! Step right up! You’ve seen the Fiji Mermaid, the firebreathers, and the Minnesota Iceman. But nothing—and I mean nothing—you have seen before can prepare you for what you are about to see. Hold your children tightly and try not to faint, as we present to you ... The Rock That Looks Like Cheesecake!

　　That’s it. That’s the show. Please do not attempt to eat the rock. We’ll be collecting tips for the performers on your way out, and there are T-shirts for sale in the gift shop.