Since the clock struck midnight on January 1, we have had to endure horrific wildfires, a presidential impeachment, the collapse of the American economy, record unemployment, the death of Wilford Brimley, civil unrest, murder hornets, earthquakes, the possibility of World War III, and a little thing called coronavirus. It’s hard to picture things getting any worse, but it’s happened, because now there’s a Dr. Pepper shortage. God is dead, and nothing is sacred.

　　Why is this happening? Dr. Pepper won’t tell us, which means it’s probably something really, really bad. Perhaps their factories have been swarmed by locusts, or were immolated by alien death rays, or are being tormented by the ghost of Wilford Brimley. Or maybe it has something to do with the aluminum can shortage. All we can do now is keep Dr. Pepper in our thoughts and prayers. Hang in there, America. We’ll get through this together.