I know it’s cool to sneer at Valentine’s Day and its dime-store, heart-shaped trinkets, but it’s one of my favorite “holidays.” I like that it’s a day to share affections and take advantage of free office candy. And should you choose to propose to your true love on February 14, that’s great, too—just don’t do it with a cheeseburger, please.

　　Why do I feel compelled to offer this advice? Because as an unmarried-but-in-a-long-term-relationship lady, I want to ensure I am not proposed to via the limited-time $3,000 Big Boy Burger from Boston restaurant Pauli’s. (I like to think my boyfriend has better judgment than this, but I’m erring on the safe side.) Boston.com reports the sandwich comes with fries and a 7/8-carat diamond rings from Kay Jewelers; it requires 48 hours advance notice.

　　This burger-posal combines multiple aspects of what I consider to be my nightmare scenario: a public proposal with perhaps subsequent media attention; a ring somehow embedded in food; and a greasy sheen all over my fingers when people ask to look at the ring. Ack. Pauli’s menu indicates that the restaurant serves its burgers medium-well “without exception,” which is also decidedly not my preferred burger temperature.

　　While we’re on the subject, does the tactic of proposing via food happen often? I had a friend whose boyfriend took her out to an unusually fancy dinner; she was nervous that a ring might be somewhere in her meal so she picked the entire thing apart into small pieces and the dinner took 3 hours. (He proposed after dinner.)

　　Anyway, congratulations Pauli’s, I’m adding your cheeseburger to the list of ways I’m afraid of being proposed to, which currently includes:

　　Jumbotronsky-writingsky-diving

　　really anything in the skyvia our dog, who would definitely eat the ring